What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 02.07.2025 07:29
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
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She died at 55 of colon cancer.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I was very sick at this time too.
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Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
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Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I said to her
My life is so biszare .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Why do men first look at a woman's chest instead of their face?
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Why was Nietzsche against essentialism?
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
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I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Im still living with it.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
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He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
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And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I was seconnd youngest,
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
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And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
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As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
We all went to grammer schools
Why did i forgive my father ?
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She found it foreign!.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
When she asked me how she looked .
As i do to all so called friends.?
I write beautiful poetry .
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
My family never makes their pension either.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Ive learnt so much.
Who then, do I blame.?
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Would this be the day?
One cannot live in the past .
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I never cut or harmed myself..
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
She married twice! .
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I couldn’t, believe it.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
He knew the spot.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
This is soul school!.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
He resisted the act ,that day.
Comes on , in middle age.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
So whats the point in blame.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
So, i spoilt her more .
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
We were not on the streets..
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I know ,a lot about trauma.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
But it wasn’t much.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
(And it was in our own minds.)
She loved him until the end.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I think the readers, may guess!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
And i lived it daily.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I was scared of men, in general
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Was to survive, this bastard.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I will be 64.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
She wouldn,t have been !
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
And who doesn’t know suffering?
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
But ive been too sick for many years..
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I have no regrets .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I waited trembling.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
All the time i was locked up.
But, we were locked up after school.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I was 9 years of age.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I don,t even have a pension.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Put me off passion for life!!
It was going to be , some day.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
She was in good health!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
What did i know ?
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!